Teacher Speak: Is Well-Liked by His Peers

This sounds like a nice comment: "Your son is well-liked by his peers." But do you know what the teacher really wanted to say? "Your son does not ever shut up in class and is continually disruptive by talking with other kids! It is driving me crazy! How do I get him to shut up? I am about to put duct tape on his mouth."

Here are some comments I put on report cards, and then what I really wanted to say instead:

"She works hard and wants to do well."

Your kid is not very bright, I'm afraid. I hope your expectations aren't very high. Plan on supporting her for a very long time.

"I am hoping that he will develop a better sense of cooperation and take responsibility for his actions as the year progresses."

Your kid doesn't get along with anyone. He is disrespectful and sour. The kids don't like to work with him, and neither do I. I've never seen such a dislikable boy. He also blames everything on someone else. Good luck.

"...is settling into the new school and classroom routines, but still needs reminders of the expectations."

He still doesn't follow directions, even after 3 months of school. What's it going to take? He is driving me crazy.

"...must improve the quality of his work if he is to gain the fundamentals needed for 5th grade work."

Your son is smart, but he works like a first grader. His work stinks.

"She is capable of so much more than her progress report reflects, however. She only turns in about half of the homework assignments in any given week. If she does bring back a signed missing homework slip, the assignment rarely comes back in with it. She needs to figure out how to be more responsible in this area before she falls behind in her grades."

Why is your daughter unable to turn in a single assignment? Do you even know what is going on? Are you aware that eventually this will get her failing grades? As a parent, I should be giving you failing grades...Can't you give your daughter the support she needs now to succeed later? That would be nice...

"He has not shown that he is responsible with homework, however, and this greatly affects the grades he receives in all areas, including the academic areas that are his strength (reading and writing). I'd like to see him develop some strong homework habits before moving on to middle school."

Again, I want to give you failing grades in the parenting department. I feel like you are failing your child. Do you notice what a creative boy you have? He needs the structure, though, to succeed academically. Don't you care? And have you noticed that he is showing some effeminate qualities? Are you ready to support him in this area as well?

"He needs to always make sure he is working to the best of his potential, and to make sure that his work quality reflects what he can do as a competent sixth grader."

Your smart son produces work that is on the level of a second grader, I believe. His work quality stinks. He'd better get into gear, or he's going to drown in middle school next year. He's smart, but you wouldn't know it by the work he produces. Try giving him more expectations at home, perhaps, and make him redo things himself so he learns. Don't do his work for him. You do him a desservice.

"...needs to focus on learning to work democratically and respectfully with other students as well as with her interactions with staff members."

I've never seen such a girl with an attitude! I don't know how you are going to deal with her teenage years. Good luck.

"With middle school next year, this should be a situation that...concentrates on and figures out how to solve. This is a perfect year to get into some good homework habits."

Why is your daughter unable to complete any assignments? Why aren't you there at home to make sure she does? She will absolutely drown next year.


"...really wants to do well, and is concerned about his progress. I appreciate his concern."

Your son drives me crazy. I don't understand why he is so concerned about his progress yet is failing? He's not very bright. I think he's got a problem. Can you tell me why he is such a nervous kid? It is not normal. I think he needs a therapist.

"She is a very capable student with many interests. She has great potential and is working towards meeting it. I'd like the quality of her work to reflect her capabilities."

Your smart daughter produces work that looks like a second grader did it. And her idea of what work quality is laughable! I read her 5 paragraph essay, after she claimed to have revised it, and it was awful! These little paragraphs that were devoid of any real detail and description at all. She is capable of writing a 4 paper, but continues to produce only 2 papers. You know, your daughter is not the best student in the sixth grade like you seem to think. I think it's time for you to get real, Mom.

Instant Replay

This morning we had an assembly. It was a science guy who was also a magician. It was pretty entertaining; he was funny, taught some basic concepts and did some great illusions.

Later, the kids came in from lunch recess. I was just getting them settled down so that I could read aloud, when I notice Zhu. She is holding a yellow post-it note, facing out, as if she is signaling to someone else. I sort of quickly glanced about to see if I could figure out who she was communicating with, but I couldn't tell. Finally I asked, "Zhu, is that meant for me?"

"No," she replied. Still, she held the yellow note up.

"Well, what is it?" I asked.

"I got Jack's autograph!" she exclaimed.

"Jack the magician?" I inquired further.

"Yes," she replied.

"Oh. Well, you better be careful. His autograph might disappear later!"

Get it? Becuase it was a MAGICIAN'S AUTOGRAPH! So, it might DISAPPEAR!

The class laughed; in fact, Jason laughed so hard he got tears in his eyes. Really, I don't think we had laughed together that much yet this year.

About five minutes later, Judy came into the room (I'm not sure why she came in late, come to think of it...) "Judy!" I cried. "You missed me-I was hilarious! Zhu, let's replay the joke for Judy. Hold up your note..."

We went through the whole joke. Judy and everyone else laughed. Just then, another teacher came into the room. "Zhu! Let's do the joke again for Mrs. Timmins!" So we did. We all laughed.

Then, my beloved principal walks in. "Zhu! Let's do the joke for Mrs. Principal (not her real name...). So, we did the joke for the fourth time. We laughed still.

Bridges-Told You So

I have a fear of bridges. I don't understand them. How can something that is so high up over a span of space that is so treacherous be safe? How are they able to build them and be assured of the safety of the bridge? I hate the Tacoma Narrows Bridge. That's an example of a bridge I just don't understand. When I go over it, I have to be in the middle lane, not on either edge, and I just focus straight ahead, even if I'm only the passenger, until I'm over. It takes about 5 seconds, but feels like an eternity. For some unexplainable reason, I prefer floating bridges. I do not understand how they float with millions of cars on top adding weight, but am somehow comforted to think that the water is helping to hold the bridge up.

A bridge I hate, which I luckily do not have to go across during my usual routine, is a high, old bridge which spans over a river gorge. It's old, and in an out-of-the-way spot, therefore I do not trust that the safety is being monitored. When you go over this bridge, you look straight down, way down, into the rocky, rushing river miles below. And the two ends of the bridge just seem to be on the rocky edges. I don't really see any support, there is none, because of where the bridge is and the conditions below it. Whenever I must cross that bridge, I usually slow down as I approach it, giving any cars or trucks coming in the opposite direction time to cross before I have to get on the bridge. I want to be the only car on the bridge. Then, I drive over it fast.

Of course my husband teases me about my phobia, which I probably inherited from my dad who doesn't like heights and has never been in an airplane. And the other day we had to cross that bridge (when we came to it) in order to drive out to a pumpkin patch to retrieve my lost cell phone that had been found (see prior post about this). As we approached this bridge, I told my husband to slow down, and then told him what I do when I cross that bridge. He scoffed at me, of course, and didn't do it.

Last week we got a lot of rain. One day coming home from school I saw this rather small, unobscure sign that said that this particular bridge was temporarily closed. Odd, I thought, since even if all of the rain had made the river flood, this bridge was so high up it would not affect it. I told Eric, who thought they were probably just doing some safety checking on the bridge, and didn't that make me feel better to know it was getting checked regularly (No, it does not.).

Then yesterday as he was reading the paper, he said, "Well, maybe there is something to your fear of bridges after all..." The small article was titled "Safety Worries Shut Green River Span." The article goes on to say "...after reviewing data gathered by electronic sensors in the landslide zone near the bridge, DOT geotechnical engineers have determined the structure is vulnerable to significant land movement. Engineers say the soil supporting the bridge is showing unusual movementnt that could be aggravated by recent heavy rain. DOT officials are worried the soil may not be able to support one of the bridge piers..."

The bridge will be closed for at least 6 months. And I shall never go on it again.

A Seinfeld Moment

An actual article in today's newspaper:

"A Tukwila company is recalling certain muffin tops because they contain undeclared milk..."

The article goes on to state that the muffin bottoms, which were donated to local homeless shelters, were not recalled. After all, said a spokesman, it's the homeless, and they'll eat anything.

I made that second part up.