Someday when I write a book, there will be a whole section devoted to conferences and the sometimes-sweet, sometimes-incredibly unbelievable things parents say and do...Read on...
*Parent: This is the worst report card Cindy has ever gotten. Last year she got 4's in reading.
Me: Really? 4's? But she only got a 2 on the state reading test last year. Didn't that seem odd to you then? Didn't it seem like there was a disconnect somewhere between the grades she was given and her performance on a state test?
Parent: Yes, it did seem odd. But she got 4's. And why did you give her a 2 in Class Participation?
Me: She never raises her hand to answer questions or to participate in discussions. She'll only give an answer or input if I call on her.
Parent: Well, you know what she's going through right now, don't you? I mean, if that were me, I wouldn't be raising my hand either. She needs to feel safe, secure, and accepted.
Me: Yes, I understand. But I cannot give her a score for what I wish she was doing...My scores need to reflect exactly what I'm seeing in class.
By the way, the next day I looked at Cindy's reading scores from last year. I didn't see any 4's. I did see 2's and 3's. That's pretty much what I gave her as well...
*I had Bobby's conference. I totally love Bobby! He is a kind, caring, and very smart boy. Bobby will go places. Last fall, I did his goal setting conference with Bobby and his dad, a very handsome, polite man who impressed me by how much he loved and respected his son. This time, mom came...
As mom and Bobby walked into the classroom, Bobby said, "Hi, Mrs. Teacher!" and gave me a big hug. I said to Bobby's mom, "Bobby is such a sweet kid!" Bobby's mom replied that she thought a little too much sweet and sugar, and that she was trying to get him to eat more vegetables and less sugar. Now Bobby is a bigger kid, but he is also very tall, and will grow out of the slightly pudgy stage he is in now and will be a handsome boy like his dad. His mom, however, is a squat round thing. It was like the pot calling the kettle black. But she continued to amaze me with her insensitive comments.
Mom: Bobby says that there are kids here at this school with problems.
Me: Excuse me?
Mom: Yea, kids in wheelchairs and stuff? They go here to school?
Me: Yes, we have a program for special needs children at this school, and they are often included into certain parts of the school day with the other classrooms.
Mom: Well, what is wrong with them? I mean, is it their mind, or their body?
Me: I don't really know. Some of both, I'd guess.
Mom: But why are they here? Isn't that a problem?
Me: They are here because this is a public school, and every child is entitled to an education. Aren't you lucky that as a parent you have smart, healthy children and don't have the challenges that the parents of these kids have...
Mom: Well, yes...
Incredible...And this is a Hispanic family. Obviously they immigrated to this country at some point for a better life. You'd think that they are often the targets of some predjudiced comments or attitudes, and that they would be more sensitive.
*Unbelieveably, I had a conference with a parent that did not like me. I really am not used to that at all. I think getting along with parents is one of my strengths, and I have diffused many a frustrated, questioning, unhappy parent. But this one did not go well. I was surprised by the hatred I felt from the mom for a moment.
They had just moved here last summer from a state in the south where Peter was in the gifted program. Now, I had forgotten that Mr. Principal had told me that Peter had qualified for the gifted program in our district, but since it would mean that Peter would have to go to a different elementary school than his younger siblings, mom just enrolled him here. I think they put him into my class as I had taught a gifted program for years in my former district. But Peter has not been doing great work in class. His work is fine 5th grade work, but not outstanding. Even for math, and he has a different teacher for math, he only got 3's on his unit assessments.
I think my mistake was too quickly bringing this up. I should have eased into the topic of Peter not performing at the level as I'd expect from a gifted kid...She got really defensive, and all of the sudden it was probably my fault, she said, for not challening him. Because if Peter is not challenged, he won't rise to the occasion. Then she told me she hadn't even seen his report card. I told her I had sent all of the report cards home last week, and had posted on my website as well that report cards went home. Obviously, Peter hadn't shown her his report card. I handed her a copy I had from the office. She was livid at all the 3's. Plus, I had given him a 1 in one area of reading, because he hadn't turned in any of his monthly reading logs.
"Why didn't you send me a note or an email if he wasn't getting his assignments in? And I've never even seen these reading logs...Why didn't you tell me about them in the fall? Now the year is half over and I just now learn about this? Why didn't you contatct me???" And on and on and on.
I sat there. Stunned. The mom was almost to tears, and frankly, so was I. I had no idea how to diffuse this situation. So, I did what I can do well, and it worked. I apologized. "You are right. I'm sorry."
You know, sometimes people just want an apology. I could see the anger begin to disappear immediately. I continued, "I had several conversations with Peter about the fact that he wasn't turning in his reading logs. I was hoping that as a fifth grader he would take responsibility with it. But when he didn't, I should have sent you an email (I don't think I even had her email, but that was not the point to discuss right then...) and I'm sorry."
She then began to dump on me all of her struggles as a single mom with three boys. She mentioned her mom and a niece that does a lot of care of the boys, so I can figure that she must have moved here because she got divorced and she needed her family to help. She works long hours at a Money Tee. She's college educated and working on her master's degree. She's stressed to the max. And Peter isn't feeling like he is making any friends.
"He isn't? That doesn't seem right," I said. "This is the nicest, friendliest class I've ever had!" His mom continued to tell me how Peter hasn't found that buddy he can relate to. He feels that "everyone is rich but him." Kind of a funny statement when half my class is on free and reduced meals, but you know, parents on free and reduced meals still buy their kids expensive toys. Maybe the money they save on school lunches helps...
Anyway, this friendship idea then quickly became the focus of the rest of our conference. It turns out that Peter did have one sleepover with another student in my class who goes to Peter's church. The student, interestingly enough, is my autistic boy (who really has Aspergers, I think, as he is a pretty highly functioning kid...). "Peter had a sleepover with Scotty? How did that go?" I asked. I didn't want to say," Really? But Scotty's autistic...?"
Peter's mom said she thought it went well. I then asked if when I had Scotty's conference if I could mention to his mom that Peter would like to hang out with Scotty more, and she said sure.
Later when it was time for Scotty's conference, and they came in, the first thing I asked Scotty was, "Hey, I hear you have hung out with Peter before!"
"Yes, I did," Scotty replied.
"Well," I continued, "Peter would like to hang out with you some more if you'd like."
Scotty got a grin on his face. "You mean he wants to be my buddy?" Scotty said.
"Yup," I replied. "So when Peter gets back (he was out of town), you need to figure out a time to hang out."
"I will!" Scotty said. Scotty's mom smiled.
But I was worn out.
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